Can't Stop The Rain

I can't Believe it's been Damn near three months since I've written! No wonder I've been struggling. It was great to get back on here and read my last post though because this one was going to be a very dark post until I read that one. But I'll still share what I was originally going to post about because I need to get it off of my shoulders.

March 10th I lost my job at UCLA. Not going to say why except it was very unexpected and sad. I had all my eggs in that basket so to speak, and now that basket is gone. I was going to start rehab on my knee and finally seek professional help from a psychiatrist to help me succeed. But that's gone now too. The respect I had earned from my daughter's mother is MORE than gone because I've acted like a little Bitch and refused to be a man. Did she have the right to say all she said in a text message to me when I failed to talk to my daughter regarding her Diabetes Anniversary(which they celebrate like a birthday?)? No, not entirely. But as you can imagine, I was extremely hurt, and felt I let down my daughter because I did. I struggle to find any kind of strength to fight anymore. My daughter was my rock, and now that rock is gone. So much is gone. The passing of my mom was June 6,2004. So the ten year anniversary is coming up for that and I feel like I've changed nothing about myself in those ten years. It's very depressing to feel the emptiness I feel inside. All of this combined leads me to stay in my room days at a time only coming out to use the bathroom or make something to eat and usually rushing back in to my room to eat. Like I said, I can't seem to get any momentum. This engine won't start, it's out of gas.

That's all I can say for now. I hope a lot of time doesn't pass until I post again and I hope it's got some better news in it. Honestly, if nothing "better" happens, there won't be anymore posting. Ever.

Almost 3 weeks have passed...

Where do I start? Three weeks feels like an eternity as of late. My life has been more of a side to side instead of up and downs. I've been dodging most of life's blows. Instead of going along for the ride I got off because the road was getting slippery. I've been able to see clearer as of late and I am forever grateful for the vision I've been given. I can't paint a picture of my future just yet, but I can tell you the immediate future. It includes focusing on my sobriety and work. 

I made it to my year sober on February 18th, 2014. I went to two meetings to celebrate this milestone. It was a modest celebration for me for a couple reasons. First and foremost, as great as this attempt in sobriety has been, I am not content with my own personal efforts towards it, but we preach progress over perfection so I can't beat myself over that. Second, my previous stint in sobriety was in the upwards of three and a half years. But those are just numbers. My current year and counting is leaps and bounds better than any of my previous attempts. My goals for the next six months until I get my 18 month chip are to get in to the book and the steps more. Those have always been difficult for me. I've been working with others but not exactly the way I am supposed to according to AA. I've got many friends who find me as a blessing in their lives but they are the blessings in my life. I've had a lot of moments in the last few days where everything is clicking so to speak and I can see clearly and I'll continue to pray for that. It's an amazing out of body experience!

Am I acting as God would act? Not only in my sobriety but also in the workplace and life in general? No. I will never be "God", but it's not a bad idea to try and act like him in this sense. I haven't been taking work so seriously as of late. I've taken days off here and there to have an extra day to spend with friends for the most part, even though the last two days I took off were to celebrate my sobriety birthday. I got a verbal warning the other day regarding my attendance. My six month probation is up March 14th which is right around the corner and I need to be in a full sprint heading in to this date instead of putting it on Cruise Control.  A friend thought of me when a former boss asked him if he knew anyone who was looking for a server like position, preferably someone who can whip his current servers in to shape so to speak. It couldn't have come at a better time, allowing me to realize the potential I have as well as the earned respect of others through my work habits and knowledge of my workplace.

A lot of my friends have asked me how am I doing lately due to a post regarding me keeping my distance from the social media apps. My response to all of you is I'm exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing at the current time. It's great to be able to slam on the brakes and analyze your surroundings and your direction. I'm just about done with my analysis stage, and am ready to go full steam ahead yet again.

I've created an attraction. People want what I've got. By that I mean they want the happiness, the simplicity I make of life, the humility I see life with. It's all been a blessing. Though some feel as if they have failed me because they feel they're not good enough, can't keep up with me at my pace, aren't ready, you name it. Understand this, I have always played organized sports and I am a TEAM player. That means if I need to slow down for you to not leave you behind then I will. You may not see a greatness I see in you but that's OK. One day you WILL be able to put all that negativity aside and be able to look in the mirror and smile sincerely! Life unfortunately happens on its own terms, but I can help you when you cant seem to help yourself. Why do I help so many so often?

I'm being selfish. Helping others helps me just as much. IF I can't help others then what's the point? Then I truly am selfish and this world has too many selfish assholes full of negativity. Usually these are the ones talking shit behind your back. Leave them be. They're behind you for a reason.

The sunset is beautiful in the rear view mirrors, but there are no words to describe the sunrise in front of you. Keep moving forward no matter what and make that rising sun your life. Rise and shine and smile and emit rays of feel good Vitamin D! You never know the impact you may have on someones life, so why not make sure it's a positive one!

The Yoey loves you all =)

Girls

They bother me.

They post about they want a guy that does this this this and that and you go down the list checking every item off and you're like sweet! Then you confront them and they're like no, we couldn't, I don't want to ruin our friendship... Please! You were just crying about how you don't have a man for Valentines Day, you want a guy to love you, treat you right, cuddle, surprise you, go out of his way for you, make you laugh and smile, be a shoulder to cry on, etc... I don't know how many women I've encountered like this personally lately. Like I said, y'all bother me. Don't be asking for things you don't want. Don't be that family on the roof tops in a flood telling every boat that comes by that you're going to be OK because God is sending you a Helicopter....Your opportunities are literally passing you by, and you're going to drown, alone.... I wish y'all the best. Go Dodgers!

353 days Sober and counting...

Today is day 3 of no Chewing Tobacco, and though at times I get the urge to go buy some, I don't. I'm using the help of a Vape and am using minimal Nicotine to get out of the physical habit and the chemical dependency. So far, it's working, and I'm having to use the Vape less and less.

A lot has happened since my last post, and a lot has happened since. I've refrained from posting every time so that on a day like today I can post what really matters.

I've been praying every night, about so much, but mainly asking God to relieve me from trying to control so much and allow his guidance to take me where I'm supposed to be. Praying has given me a great inner peace with myself. I feel better in so many ways throughout the days and am able to get more done each and every day.

I find myself making impacts in lives I didn't intend to have an impact on and even ones where I tried to have an impact on. It's a great feeling to be looked up to and it's very humbling. I don't do it for praise of any sort, I do it from my heart, and for the fact that this makes me be held accountable for my actions. In turn, when I'm helping others, they're also helping me be better and stronger.

As far as some of my facebook posts, they can be misleading. I may come off as needy, lacking confidence, emo, etc... I post about things like I don't have anyone, or need a cuddle buddy... These posts are meant to be playful to some extent. I say to some extent because I'm not in need, but naturally I would like those things very much, but in no means am I in need, desperate or even "Thirsty".

As far as communications with my ex and anything else regarding her. I'm not going to waste your time and/or mine blogging about her anymore unless it is significant. I've got my thoughts and feelings about her life but that has no room here. I still pray for her safety and well being as I do for a lot of my friends and family and even the strangers I come across. With all that being said, we're never getting back together, NEVER, but I still wish nothing bad upon her. Moving on.

I have made a decision to live my life positively and to try and think about my actions various times if necessary before making an action/statement. I'm creating a brand for myself that only targets myself. I'm not inconsiderate of others but in reality, it only matters that I'm willing to buy what I'm trying to sell to myself.

Some things you may consider doing that I like to do to have a positive impact on the world regardless if someone is watching or not:

-Open a door for someone
-Pick up a piece of trash and dispose of it properly
-Offer someone your assistance just because you can
-Smile
-Reach out to someone who may be shy and ask them how their day is going/was. Create a conversation and wish them well with a smile and maybe even a hug or a good handshake.

These are some little things that could not only impact someones mood, but also even save a life. Never underestimate the power of a smile and a kind heart, it goes a long way. How far will your smile and heart take you today?

It's been a week

It's been a week since I've spoken with her. It's sad that a friend of her knows her oh so well and said to me not too long ago that she is in opportunist. I see that now. It wasn't hasn't been easy, but I fought myself for a week just to see if I could do it, but I can see the picture a lot more clearly now. I may be her ex, but she claimed she couldn't rid me of her life completely. Yet I was only contacted when there was no one else around and/or shit got bad. It's sad but I'm not crying. I still pray for her in my nightly prayers. Someone that lives like that lives a poor, dark, cold life, and I would never wish that upon anyone. I may not have a lot of money but my life is full of riches you can't buy or get from a paycheck. I've gotten over the fact that she came to me complaining about a legal matter, and I gave her advice based on all of my first hand experience with the courts, and surprisingly she not only did what I said, but the courts accepted it and yet I've heard nothing, not even a thank you. Am I mad? No. Sad? No. Surprised? No. I could go down the list, and the answer would always be no. Don't take this as me being cold hearted, take it as me being strong enough to understand that this is my life, and I can only control my life, and even that, only so much of that is even in my control, most of it is in God's control.

"God will always bring the right people into your life but you have to let the wrong people walk away."

A quote a friend of mine posted via Instagram.

I know this to be a fact from my own experiences time and time again. But I want to add this. She may be the wrong for me now, but for a good amount of time she was the right that God put into my life. For all teh good and the bad she brought to the table, she was the right person in my life at the time, and now I'm so much wiser, stronger, more confident, more driven, more independent, etc... But like all great Athletes, there comes a time where you're just no longer needed in my life, you're hurting the teams efforts and outcomes and you have to part ways.

Today is day one of two days off and I'm so eager to do so much in these two days! Both chore-like things like my taxes, get a haircut, take grandpa to the Doctors, etc... But also mostly, spending time with great friends, creating memories that will last a lifetime, uncontrollable laughter that at times hurts.

Today I'm living my life Sober not boring and with no regrets. To life with regrets to me means to live life with doubts. I have no doubt that my God has my life in his hands. When I figure out my greater cause (If I'm already not doing so without really knowing), I'll be ready and more than eager, but in the meantime I'm focusing on being a great person, friend, son, grandson, brother, nephew, coworker, teammate, stranger, etc... 

Hope you're having a wonderful day! If not, it's okay because you have the power to choose to finish the day right! So put on a smile no matter what because life doesn't stop and someone is always watching and being influenced by you...

Friday January 24, 2014

So I'm sitting here at work on my break and I'm just thinking as usual. The last couple of days I've felt down, there's no hiding/denying it. But today I've felt better. Here's why I think I feel better today. I remember that I control my feelings and no one else does nor can anyone else really impact the way I CHOOSE to feel. I made a decision to stop fighting my God, and get back to praying every night before I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up. I started reading again. I've stopped doing what could potentially cause me stress in my life. I spend less time on my computer bullshitting and instead do something to better myself.... It's a start, and I pray that I can continue to live this way and am eager for the future again....

I'm a Pisces...

Therefor I am a hopeless romantic. I put my heart on the line every day with every action I take. I think and dream constantly and most times, too much. I'm overwhelmingly kind hearted and get taken advantage of time and time again, yet I'll still always find a way to give the people that have hurt me another chance, seeking acceptance.


Where am I going with this?


I've been giving and giving more and more as of late. After going through a breakup that left me dazed and confused, I focused on myself and was doing really well! But I still felt empty, so I fell back in to some of my old ways. Without going in to detail and exposing some people involved, I'll try to fill you in a little better. I've been what I feel to be, of great help and service to a wide range of friends both new and old from 18 years old to God knows. I've been approached for help with friends parents drug/alcohol problems, to just being there to provide smiles and a light of hope for some of those struggling to get through each day. I can't explain the warmth I feel when I am given the honor that these people come to me, at times, time and time again seeking answers and/or comfort. The best way I can describe it is like a God shot. In AA we speak of God shots quite frequently. A God shot is basically when you can't explain why something happens because it is beyond the human brain capacity basically. I cherish each and every God shot I've gotten, and they've come more frequently with the more right I do, but every time I get on of these shots, I'm left with more questions than answers. After some time I start to question what's the point? Why do I keep risking my heart and feelings only to continuously be let down in my eyes? I somehow always seem to mustard up enough courage to keep moving on and only at bad times, allow these feelings of defeat slow me down but never stop or derail me. Once again, I thank my God for giving me the strength to keep going every day even though most days, I just don't want to anymore. It's easier to just quit trying and to fail. But I'm tired of being that guy. I'm in the process every day of restoring my image, my worth. The more of you that look up to my for my strength and wisdom and passion, the more reasons I have to get back up and keep fighting. As far as the haters and the ones that use me, cool. I don't care if you hate on who I've become and who I'm trying to become because obviously you're not happy with your life and you're trying to bring me down to your level while I'm trying to bring as many up from the floor I've gotten to know too well for over a quarter century of my life and I won't ever be there ever again as long as I'm breathing! When the past calls, don't answer it. It's got nothing new to say.

In closing for the day, I'm getting better each day that passes at seeing through the bullshit and the fakes. I allow myself to be used and abused for shorter periods of times before I put my foot down and say enough is enough. I just ask you to think about if you think that you may be using me in a selfish way without thinking about my feelings and to please, just take it easy on me. There are a lot of people out there that truly need my kind heart and generosity, and if you are using me, that takes a little away from someone else's opportunity. Use me as a coach, a guidance counselor, a friend, but DO NOT use me as a servant or a slave. I do have a nasty side and trust me, you DO NOT want to be one to experience that side. If you unfortunately do experience that side, then you really need to sit and reconsider what you're doing with your life and how you can better yourself as I am doing for myself and countless others. 

=) <3